Today was a challenge…

It’s actually been quite challenging for a while now.

Today in particular, my boundaries were not respected.

That can be a very delicate situation for me – triggering even.

That makes it that much more difficult for me to get back to myself immediately following an episode.

When episodes occur, I may look like me and sound like me, but I am not me, per say.

My thoughts are not my own, so I may react to something totally out of character. I can’t help it and usually don’t know what I am doing really until I come down from that episode.

It’s a very delicate balance keeping the peace.

I can’t have a lot of disruption in my life – I try to keep it to a minimum but you cannot control all things.

People have minds of their own and can ignore your explicit wishes if they so choose.

It doesn’t mean I will (or have to) react well.

Situations like this can swing me right back into the episode I had been struggling to get out of – and that is exhausting.

I just want to be understood and to have a real advocate.

Not a half assed one that can’t protect me when I am in my most fragile state.

I understand everyone has their own issues but if I had a visible disorder like seizures, people would stop what they were doing to help me and make sure I was okay before things went right back to normal.

I don’t get that luxury.

I wish I had better words so that I can at least get out exactly what I’m going through.

This is really hard and I am stuck trying to figure out how to deal with it all by myself.

I spend much of the time trying to teach others about my disorder and counsel them through dealing with me.

Who is my advocate?

I don’t have the strength to advocate for everyone else anymore.

I just want to be understood.

Today was a bummer – in a way.

I just hate how things went but I felt ambushed.

Doesn’t make since to some people, but they don’t understand my out of control mind.

At least I have some peace now, for a while.

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